Damsoreass

Got it! Thought Boaby and searching through his Pockets, and finding �7 ....Wrote out a Betting slip putting �5.00 Win on "Possil Park"

As the race got under way, Boaby found himself standing next to Ho Flun Dung, and smiled a knowing smile to himself.

The Race commentator's voice rang out loud and Clear! There's a Faller at the First fence ......"Possil Park" has fallen.

Whit!.. Screamed Boaby.. That bluddy Dunkey.

Ho flun Dung, Smiled and said "Another Winner for me"

WHIT! .. Screammed Boaby .. You marked "Possil Park" on the Paper over there!

Aye.. said Ho Flun Dung .. I always mark the no hopers on the Paper, it makes it easier to spot the Winners.

Jist my bluddy luck thought Boaby ...Sod it, I've jist enough left fur a Pint on the Way hame.

It was a sad Boaby that entered the "Piston Broke"

Christ!.. Whits up we yer coupen Man?.. Asked Alec the Barmen

Yea look like yea lost a tenner and found a Pound

Huh!.. Mair like I found a Chinkie and lost a Fiver .. said Boaby.

Jist pour me a pint will ya!

Alec returned with Boaby's drink and said .. Here man! .. Maybe this'll Cheer ya up... Handing Boaby a Piece of Card.

Whits this?.. asked Boaby

It an invitation to oor Christmas Do! ... Regulars only ..Hauf price Bevvy all night ...And Free food ...Chicken in a Basket, Sandwiches/Crisps and Nuts ... Nae expence Spared... Well actually its Chicken in a Broon paper Bag ...The Baskets wer to dear.

Christ!... Said Boaby.. Hauf price Bevvy? and all night tae.

Aye! ..Said Alec.. and thats YOUR Invitation, Fur you and a Partner.

Brilliant!... Said Boaby.. "Man thats fair cheered me up! ...Jist wait till I tell Ella."

Boaby a lot more cheerful now finished his Pint and ran up the road to tell Ella the Good News.

Boaby was still reading the Invitation as he Pushed open the Door to his wee Hoose.

ELLA!.... oh Ella!

Now if Boaby hadn't been so excited or perhaps still reading the card, He would have noticed that Ella was standing on a small set of Step Ladders, Behind the Front door, Changing the Net Curtain.

AAAAaaGGGGGgggRRRRrrr ..........WHUMP .........OOOoooch!

Wee Boaby in his Rush, Stumbled over the Upset Step ladders and Fell on top of Ella. His Fore Head hitting her Squarely on the Nose.

Whap! .....Cruuuunch .............NNnnnffff!

Oh! Christ am sorry love... said Boaby.. Are yea alright?

Ella looked up at him... Her nose dripping with blood.

Da thunk ye droke da dose!

Oh!.... Goad Am Sorry.. said Boaby .. Come oan I'll gie yea a Haun Up!

Aaaaaarrrrrrggggggg!........ Thop it Doaby.. screamed Ella.

Whits wrang Ella?.. ask Boaby, More than a little concerned.

Da dink ah broke da leg as weel.. Cried Ella

Detter done an Ambulance

Oh Christ!.. Screamed Boaby in Blind Panic

Aye OK!.. and he ran to the Phone

Here........ Whit's the Bluddy Number... Ella?

Doh Deezus!.... DINE ... DINE ... DINE ... shouted Ella trying to stem the flow of blood from her Nose.

Oh Aye! ... Right enough ....Thanks Ella .. said Boaby Dialing the Number.

"Hello Which Service Please"

Eh! .......If ah wanted a service..... I wid phone the Church.

"Look Pal dae yea want the Polis...The Firebrigade ...The Coastguard or the Bluddy Ambulance"

OH!...... Soorrrry! mate... the Ambulance please

"Hello Ambulance Service How can I help?"

Yea kin send an Ambulance ... Ella huz fell and hurt hur leg!

"Ok! ..... and where did the accident take place?"

In Ma Hoose!

"Champion Aye!...... I take it your the only person in Glasgae that stays in a Hoose Then?"

Eh?

"Whits the Bluddy Address oh the Hoose Yea turd faced wee Bachle"

Oh! Aye!..... its 43 Glebe Street, Possill.

"Right the Ambulance is oan its way, Look oot fur it, yea cannae miss it, It'll be a big White van wie flashin lights and a Siren!

Ah know whit a Bluddy Ambulance looks like! .. said Boaby slamming down the phone.

Boaby rushed back to Ella's side.

Ella! They are coming, A Phoned them, Stay still Love.

Meeema!..... Meeema!..... Meeema!

That's them noo!... Cried Boaby rushing to the Door.

Hurry Quick! ... It's Ella she's through there on the Flair!... Screamed Boaby.

The Two Medics Knelt down at Ells's side, and started placing a splint round her injured leg.

One Medic Approached Boaby.

Aye!... Well the legs broken, and so's hur Nose, Care tae explain how it Happened?

Whit dae yea mean? ...Cried Boaby ...Are youse insinuatin I gave hur a doing?

Well Did yea? ....Eh! ...Did yea gie hur wan on the Nose, and she fell and broke hur leg?

NAW!..... She fell aff the steps, then I triped oor them and heidered hur by accident.

OH! ...... So noo were gettin tae the Truth! ...Said the Medic ... Yea Bluddy Heidered hur ... Yea Bluddy wee wife Beater yea.

NAW!..... It wiz an accident I telt yea! ...Screamed Wee Boaby.

Aye Well! ... Were takin hur tae the Hospital.... Said the Medic lifting one end of the Streacher and starting to move out of the Room.

Hud Oan... I'll get ma Jaiket and Bunnet... shouted Boaby ...I'll come wie yea Ella Love.

Boaby hurridly got his Jacket on and locked the door, before running down to the Street, Just in time to see the Ambulance Setting off.

HEY!... WAIT FUR ME!... Screamed Boaby running after it.

The Medic in the Passinger side stuck his arm out of the Window and gave Boaby the "Soldiers Farewell"

Bugger it!"... said Boaby gasping for Breath.

Then he noticed a Bike leaning against the wall just out side the Papershop.

Boaby Grabbed the Bike and set off in pursuit of the Ambulance.

Peddling furiously Boaby continued on his way towards the Infirmany, Hurtling through the Crowded Streets as fast as he could.

Meeema...... Meeema.... Meeema

A Big Glasgae Polis Moter bike drew along side Boaby "PULL OVER NOW!"... Screamed the Policeman.

Boaby stopped the Bike and sat there gasping for Breath.

Aw Right Stirlin ....Where the Bluddy Fire!... asked the Polisman.

Nae fire Pal

Dae yea See that sign ther? ...Asked the Polisman pointing to a 20 MPH Speed restriction.

Well!.... Yea wer dain 25.... SO YER NICKED!

AW CHRIST!... said Boaby... Look pal I huv tae get tae the Hospital, Ma wife his jist been rushed in after huvin an accident.

OH! ....Said the Copper, His stern features falling away to be replaced with a Concerned look.

Sorry tae hear that Man..... Tell yea whit.... I'll gie yea a Police escort, .... Christ I might even get my Photie in the Daily Record... Eh!

The Polisman jumped astride his Powerful Moter bike and with the Lights flashing and siren howling Roared off up the Street.

Meeeeema...... MeeeeeeMa..... Meeeeeema

Boaby had turned the Pedals of the Bike twice before the Polisman and his super charged bike Dissappeared from View.

Bazturd might huv gied me a Backie! Thought Boaby as he again started to pedal furiously up the Road.

After 30 minutes on the Bike Boaby arrived at the Infirmany more that a little saddle sore and Waddled in to the A&E Department.

Boaby approached the Reception desk:

.... Ma wife hud an accident and wiz taken here by Amublance Gasped Boaby

Mmm!.... Whits yer name and address Pal... said the Receptionist

Boaby Williamson, 43 Glebe Street... said Boaby

Right tak a seat and we'll gie yea a shout pal.

Boaby waddled over tae the seats and "Gingerly" Lower himself into a chair. A Passing Nurse noticed Boaby struggling and asked

Are you alright sur?

Aye Fine... Jist got a sair arse that's all lassie..... said Boaby

Boaby looked at the Man in the next chair. He was stooped forward holding his Belly and Moaning gently to himself.

Are yea no feelin to good pal?.... asked Boaby

Constipation! .... Mumbled the guy, getting off the seat and rushing towards the Gents.

The Kindly Nurse appeared from behind a set of Curtains

Mr Williamson ....Mr Robert Williamson?

Wee Boaby jumped to his feet, and grabbing his saddle sore arse in one hand waddled up tae the Nurse.

Thought it wid be you! ... She smiled... Follow me.

The nurse and Boaby went behind the curtains

Kin yea tell me anything aboot.....

Sssh.... Now stay calm! .... Here pit this Gown on... It'll be alright.... said the nurse disappearing out of the Curtains.

Oh! ... Goad! .. thought Boaby... They must huv taken Ella tae the Operating Theatre ....That why they want me to wear a gown .... So he hurridly Stripped off and laced up the white gown

The Kindly nurse Reappeared with two big male collegues.

Thats fine sur..... now gist lie face doon on that bed there!

EH!..... NAW.... wait theres some mistake here ... said Boaby trying to get past the three nurses

The two males grabbed Boaby's arms and forced him down on to the bed, While the Kindly nurse stuck a big needle in Boabys bare arse.

There! ...said the Nurse... Thats it all over, you'll soon feel drowsey

Oh Christ!... Thought Boaby as waves of tiredness stirred through his head.

Boaby was out for the count when the Doctor appeared.

Right Nurse what have we here?

Robert Williamson, 78 Brown road, DumbartonColon Irrigation..... Mr Steadfast

Right!..... Well he appears to be prepared.... Lets do it.

Now perhaps it's just as well that Boaby was sedated, Having 2 feet of Rubber Piping and 3 gallons of luke warm water inserted up your Anus, Was not really his cup of Tea

Fours Hours Later Boaby slowly came back to the world of the Concious!

Doooh!.... Christ.... Where am I ....asked a Groggy Boaby.

Sssh!... Just lie Still Mr Williamson Yer all right, Yer in the Infirmery ..said the Nurse.

WHIT???? ...How the Hell did I get in Bed. Whits going Oan?

Boaby Struggled to sit upright and Screamed at the Pain from his Anal Region. Chuffin Christ!..... My Arse.... Whit the Hell huv yea done tae me, and why huv I got a Nappy on?

Sssshhh!... said the Nurse calmly... The pad is jist tae stop the Blood from going on the Sheets, We'll be Right as Rain the Morra and back hame in Dumbarton wie yer Family.

Eh?... Whit dae yea Mean Dumberton?... A don't stay in Dumbarton... I stay in Glasgae .....In Possil ...Whit dae yea Mean Dumbarton?

The nurse looked Confused! ...Yea Mean Yer no Robert Williamson fae Dumbarton?

Oh Yea catch oan Quick!... Screamed Boaby ....I'm Boaby Williamson fae Possil.... I only came in tae Find out how my Wife was hur name is Ella.

Oh Shite!...said the Nurse and scurried out of the ward, Returning some minutes later with the Doctor.

Right Mr Williamson ...If that's yer Name? ...Yea say yer no fae Dumbarton, Is that right?

AYE!..... Am no from Dumbarton ..Said Wee Boaby

OK!.... We hud enough oh your sort!...... Comin in here and gettin a free fix oh drugs and a bed fur the night..... Get yer bluddy clothes and get the HELL oot oh ma Hospital or I'll call the Polis!

Yea'll die Whit ...said Wee boaby Jumpin aff the Bed!

WHuuuUMP!

The Doctor Heidered Wee Boaby Right on the Nose!

Oooooch..... Yea.... Bugger..... Cried Boaby!

Right!.... get the Hell ooot oh Ma Hospital NOO!

Aye Right...... keep yer bluddy Apron oan..... said Boaby!

It was a sad and Pathetic looking Wee Man that Wandered out of the Hospital, One hand holding a Tissue to his Bleeding Nose and the other firmly clamped on to his Painful Back Passage.

A Pain inflicted 3 mile walk did little to improve Boaby's Mood, and entering his House, There he faced a Furious Ella, Sitting on the Armchair with a Bandage around her Nose and a Plastercast on her Broken Leg.

AND JIST .....WHERE THE HELL.... HUV YOU BEEN?

I Thought Yea might huv the Decency tae at least come tae the Hospital tae see if I wiz Alright!

I BLUDDY DID!..... said Boaby and explained the sad tale of events to Ella.

Och Well! .... Nae Harm dun..... Said Ella..... But cause you were no Here and I needed somebody tae look after me.... I hud tae Phone my Mammy.

AH....... Nooooo! .... Shouted the Wee Man.

LO Boaby! .... said the Auld Crone appearing from the Kitchen...... Yer Diner's Near Ready.

More next Issue - Tales from Wee Boaby